I’m a male feminist but I’m so bad at housework.

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Dear Hera 

I’m a boy in my 30s and I was at uni doing basically gender studies at the peak of the intersectional/Tumblr feminist era. I was one of those defending Kim Kardashian and ruining potential friendships left and right because they didn’t quite use the right language (maybe not the whole truth but I definitely was not that generous with giving the benefit of the doubt). I’ve moved on but I mention this to illustrate that a fairly fundamental part of my ego is tied in with “being a good ally” 🤪✌️

Despite my values I continue to let my side of the housework down, which as I’m sure many are aware becomes self-perpetuating as an unclean home leads to more procrastination, which leads to guilt, which slides me along the path toward low self-esteem, lower motivation and and culminates in a heavier mood than I can maintain. I will also put off seeing people/doing things that I actually enjoy because I still have a house to tidy.

I was also caught in the trend of getting an adult ADHD diagnosis in the early 2020s. I sometimes find the diagnosis validating but I also have some skepticism as the diagnostic process didn’t really seem to consider any differentials + could I just be lazy? It is also quite invalidating that it was a trend and also that high achieving people, like Chlöe Swarbrick (sorry Chlöe not trying to invalidate you if you’re reading), also share the diagnosis.

My partner is very understanding but  it still eats at me especially with the likely trajectory of me being a stay-at-home dad (or at least the main housekeeper). A life of feeling like I’m failing as a father and a partner doesn’t really look that bright.

What should I do?

Probably important to mention that my partner is a woman and I am a shift worker, which obviously not helpful but the impression I’m given in my line of work is you choose between a boring job or irregular sleep and with my motivational deficit I suspect a boring job would be worse for me.

Help!

House Husband

Dear House Husband,

Thank you for this letter, which I found quite funny and sweet. At least you have a general awareness of the gendered nature of the problem, instead of treating housework as a arcane female hobby.

I don’t know much about the ADHD, apart from the anecdotal testimonies of people who say it makes doing housework a living hell. I suspect that the comment section will be full of people better qualified to share some of the tricks and workarounds that have helped them manage unpleasant chores. I have no idea whether your diagnosis is correct. But even if you did suffer from abject laziness, in this specific instance, who cares? The goal is to make cleaning a less psychically torturous part of your life, especially if you’re thinking about starting a family, which are notoriously messy. 

I personally enjoy cleaning because as a writer it’s an excellent procrastination technique, and sometimes spending two hours laboriously cleaning the bathroom grouting is exactly what you need to take the edge off having to write one difficult paragraph. But it sounds like this is causing you an unnecessary amount of stress and guilt, which is massively compounding the difficulty level and transforming “washing the dishes” from an unpleasant necessity into a damning personal indictment on your value as a partner and feminist. 

Figuring out how to do something you find stressful and unpleasant is one of those highly individual things, which require a little creativity and craftily weaponising your own personality against yourself. But before we get into some practical advice, a little philosophy. 

It seems like part of the problem is that you’re viewing cleaning as an interpersonal obligation you’re failing at, rather than a personal responsibility. I think the distinction’s important, because if your primary motivator is “not letting my girlfriend down” you’re automatically coming at this from a place of “trying not to fuck it all up as usual” which is inherently less motivating than “making my beautiful house, which I live in, look nice.” Perhaps guilt works on those who went to Catholic school but I personally find it deeply demoralising. I would encourage you to decide this is something you’re doing for your own peace of mind and sense of aesthetic contentment. I think it will make the process less stressful and more empowering, even if you have to make believe you are a houseproud New England widower for 20 minutes each day.

Often within couples there are different standards of cleanliness. Usually this means coming to some sort of compromise. Often messy people could stand to do a bit more, but there are also some neat freaks who can be delusional about what constitutes a normal standard of hygiene. You don’t need to be able to eat a steak dinner off your toilet seat. This means making sure you and your partner have a fair understanding of what “a clean house” means. 

When it comes to splitting chores, it’s always worth trying to barter the jobs you hate for things you don’t mind doing. If you can find an equitable way to split things up, it can work out well for everyone. I personally find it easier when one person is entirely responsible for one area of the house (rubbish or vacuuming or washing) because it means you don’t have to have endless negotiations about whose turn it is to do what, which is surely one of the most annoying parts of cleaning. 

Here are some cleaning tips that may or may not work for you. The two things I would encourage any cleaning haters to do, are to automate what you can, and gamify what you can’t. 

AUTOMATION

It seems like one of the big problems for you is constantly having to think about cleaning, or feeling guilt about not cleaning. But most people who are good cleaners hardly ever think about cleaning, it’s simply baked into their routines. Here are some tips:

• Is your house a never ending conveyor belt of stuff? Get rid of some of it. You do not need nine pots and 20 napkin holders unless you are in the habit of regularly hosting large dinner parties. It’s much more convenient to regularly clean a small amount of things, than have cupboards full of stuff you rarely use. Clothes and kitchen utensils are the worst offenders, because they need regular washing, and have a tendency to pile up. Get rid of what you don’t need.
• There are some problems which can be solved by money. Hate vacuuming? Buy a robot vacuum or a portable stick vacuum. Hate dishes and don’t have a dishwasher? It’s worth it if you can afford it. I have a basic steam cleaner which makes my least favourite job (cleaning the kitchen floor) a lot less punishing. Invest in cleaning products that smell good, and are easy to use. If your mop is your enemy, you will never mop.
• Start small. You will be amazed at what you can accomplish in 15-20 minutes every morning. Buy one of those novelty kitchen timers shaped like a pig, and go hard for the duration. Stop when it’s done, even if you haven’t completely finished. Try and beat your own time, if you’re naturally competitive.
• It might help to clean thematically. That might mean focussing only on washing clothes on Wednesdays, or “picking up shit lying on the floor” on Fridays. The classic ADHD meme is you start cleaning your fridge, get overwhelmed and distracted, and two hours later find yourself reorganising your history books by chronology, having forgotten what you were supposed to be doing. Pick a theme, whether you do one room a day, or choose a specific chore like dishes. If you are easily bored, some ADHD forums suggested counting (“put away 25 things and then stop”) or cleaning away all the electronic/red/fabric things. Whatever works for you. Set a recurring calendar appointment, and get your tidying out of the way as early as you can each day, so you can have the rest of the night to bask in the smug satisfaction of having accomplished your goal. 

If you can get in the habit of cleaning as you go, it will make your life so much easier. Some tips:

• If you can do it in less than two minutes, do it now.
• Clothes and dishes go straight in the sink/dishwasher or wardrobe/laundry basket, NO EXCEPTIONS. Make this a hard rule and it will transform your life. 70% of cleaning is putting away clothes and dishes, and it’s way easier to do it as you go, instead of all at once. 
• Never leave a room without taking something with you. There’s always something that belongs somewhere else. 
• Habit stacking: I always unload as much of the dishwasher as I can while waiting for the kettle to boil. I drink so much tea that I always have an empty dishwasher. Other people scrub the bathroom floor while in the shower, etc.
• Cut down on executive decision making by making sure you have a place to put everything. You should never have to think twice about where things go. If they don’t have a place, make them one. Hang hooks on the wall for keys and coats. Buy a box to put remotes and spare coins in. Some ADHD people recommend getting a plastic crate, and using it as a “worry about this one weird item later” box, so they don’t get distracted by random objects when cleaning a room. Put them in the crate, and deal with them last. 
• Keep cleaning supplies in the room you use them in. Buy multiple of the same product if needed. It’s easier to quickly wipe down the bathroom sink if there’s a sponge waiting in the cupboard. Cater to your own laziness. 

GAMIFICATION

• I am a big advocate of making chores as pleasant as possible. For me, this means I always listen to an audiobook or podcast while cleaning. I have even been known to clean the bathroom while watching reruns of Survivor on my laptop. Guaranteed to make housework 90% more fun instantly. Some people prefer to talk on the phone to a friend, which is also a good option. 
• Substance abuse: Are you a weed smoker? This can be a good way to incentivise cleaning. Making a seven-course degustation banquet? Pour a glass of wine and watch a Jason Bourne movie while chopping onions. Be as conniving and hedonistic as you like. “Whatever gets it done” is a legitimate cleaning method. 
• Bribe yourself, as if you were an elderly donkey embarking on a steep hill, by rewarding yourself for completing the task. A biscuit. A cigarette. A round of Counterstrike. Immature? Perhaps. Effective? Often.
• Sometimes putting on specific clothes helps neurologically activate “cleaning mode” – for instance wearing rubber gloves, or a full French maid outfit. 
• Easily bored? Cleaning your own house is often tied up with feelings of guilt and shame. If you can trick yourself into crafting an elaborate mental fantasy – say, you’re an undercover detective in a golden age crime novel, pretending to be a scullery maid in order to solve the case of the missing Egyptian scarab, why not? Stowaway on pirate ship put to work as a cabin boy? Go hard.
• I read one wild theory on an ADHD thread where someone said they frightened themselves into cleaning by making an “unignorable mess” – like tipping a cup of water onto the kitchen floor, or piling all their clothes in the hallway. I would never do this, but it obviously worked for somebody.
• Another commenter said they only managed to keep their house clean by inviting friends with high standards around in two days time, which terrified them into action. Again, this sounds terrible to me. But if it works for you, fine. 

I have found that the best way to do something you fundamentally do not want but need to do, is to ignore all conventional advice, and to use all the creativity and ingenuity at your disposal in order to turn a chore into a pleasure, whatever that means to you. And then once you’ve found a strategy, turn that strategy into a routine, complete with calendar notifications and timers, so you never have to think about it again. 

If you’re planning to start a family and become a house husband, this is a perfect time to do some experimentation, and start getting some of these routines in place, so hopefully by the time a baby comes, this stuff will feel more manageable. 

I’d love to encourage everyone in the comments, especially those with ADHD, to share what works for them, and hopefully there will be one or two tips which may make the process less torturous for you. 

Best of luck,

Hera